Joan Rivers Quotes

Quotes : 35

English

God


Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

By : Joan Rivers

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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

By : Joan Rivers

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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

By : Joan Rivers

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It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

By : Joan Rivers

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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

By : Joan Rivers

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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

By : Joan Rivers

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

By : Joan Rivers

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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

By : Joan Rivers

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Never floss with a stranger.

By : Joan Rivers

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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

By : Joan Rivers

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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

By : Joan Rivers

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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

By : Joan Rivers

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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

By : Joan Rivers

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

By : Joan Rivers

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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

By : Joan Rivers

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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

By : Joan Rivers

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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

By : Joan Rivers

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Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

By : Joan Rivers

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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

By : Joan Rivers

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Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

By : Joan Rivers

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Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

By : Joan Rivers

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Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

By : Joan Rivers

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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

By : Joan Rivers

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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

By : Joan Rivers

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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

By : Joan Rivers

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Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

By : Joan Rivers

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I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

By : Joan Rivers

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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

By : Joan Rivers

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

By : Joan Rivers

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I have no methods

By : Joan Rivers

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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

By : Joan Rivers

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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

By : Joan Rivers

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I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

By : Joan Rivers

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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

By : Joan Rivers

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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

By : Joan Rivers

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