Steven Wright Quotes

Quotes : 98

English

Night Art Age Time


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

By : Steven Wright

    View

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

By : Steven Wright

    View

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

By : Steven Wright

    View

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

By : Steven Wright

    View

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

By : Steven Wright

    View

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

By : Steven Wright

    View

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

By : Steven Wright

    View

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

By : Steven Wright

    View

So, do you live around here often?

By : Steven Wright

    View

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

By : Steven Wright

    View

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

By : Steven Wright

    View

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

By : Steven Wright

    View

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

By : Steven Wright

    View

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

By : Steven Wright

    View

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

By : Steven Wright

    View

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

By : Steven Wright

    View

What's another word for Thesaurus?

By : Steven Wright

    View

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

By : Steven Wright

    View

At one point he decided enough was enough.

By : Steven Wright

    View

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

By : Steven Wright

    View

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

By : Steven Wright

    View

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

By : Steven Wright

    View

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

By : Steven Wright

    View

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

By : Steven Wright

    View

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

By : Steven Wright

    View

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

By : Steven Wright

    View

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

By : Steven Wright

    View

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

By : Steven Wright

    View

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

By : Steven Wright

    View

What a nice night for an evening.

By : Steven Wright

    View

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

By : Steven Wright

    View

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

By : Steven Wright

    View

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

By : Steven Wright

    View

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

By : Steven Wright

    View

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

By : Steven Wright

    View

-->